News from St Michael's, Parish of Devil's End
by johmichaels
Summary: What was happening at Devil's End just prior to the story "The Daemons"? What was life for residents of the small village with a brand new vicar, and all the excitement of an upcoming BBC 3 film crew coming to the town? Thankfully, Parish Secretary Miss June Skibblehorn has prepared the monthly newsletter with the latest news.
1. Parish News by June Skibblehorn

**Parish Secretary Column**

 **By Mrs June Skibblehorn**

Oh, it has been an exciting time at our dear village, has it not fellow members of the congregation? It has seemed to be constant activity since our new vicar, Reverend Magister arrived. There's been new activities at the Church, getting our menfolk outside and involved in socialising so we women can have a bit of peace. And now we're going to be famous, with the television crew coming to our little village to film Professor Horner's Archaeological dig.

And so I'd like to start this month's news by thanking and again welcoming Reverend Magister, as well as to offer an apology of sorts. You may have heard we got off at the wrong foot when we first met. It seemed like only yesterday I was at the front door of the vicarage, knocking excitedly as I waited to show the vicar around the village, and make sure he knows all the people of importance. It's important to do this early, before other less respectable people with values I would not say are supported by the church get involved. I think we all know who I am referring to here, but thankfully Miss Hawthorne was off riding her broomstick or whatever she does as Town White Witch so I managed to have the Reverend all to myself!

Could you believe, the Reverend was less than impressed with me on first meetings as well? As I relayed the list of appointments I had set up at the Cloven Hoof, PC Groom and Squire Wistanley, Reverend Magister insisted he had better things to do. Better things to do that meet his new congregation? I was shocked, but I have since reminded myself that our Reverend is new not just to our village, but new to British village life in general. His previous parish was at a place called Gallifrey, which my sister insists is in Ireland, but I think it likely considering the Reverend's heritage it more likely be in Spain. In either case, a very different atmosphere. The foreigners are very much keep to themselves sort of people, aren't they? And that meant Reverend Magister is probably not used to having a Parish full of such active, kind and supportive people, eager to lend a helping hand to others, especially the new Vicar.

He even became quite alarmed when I insist that, as the man responsible for the spiritual health of the village, he simply must visit the Doctor to find out the physical health of the villagers as well. As soon as I mentioned the Doctor, his eyes grew wide, like he had seen a ghost, and he begun muttering "How did he find me so quickly? I've only just arrived!" to himself. It was only when I advised him of Dr Reeves' visiting hours at the clinic that he appeared relieved.

But then, he suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders, and looking me directly in the eyes with a soft but intense whisper he said "I am the Master, and you will obey me!"

Well, I gently pushed him off my shoulders and said right back "Reverend Magister! I do not know how you did things in your last Parish, but at Devil's End we have a Parish council which works alongside the Vicar, not beneath him. I would ask you to respect my position as Parish secretary as I respect yours as Vicar. And beside which, you should not hold a unmarried woman by the shoulders so. You are a man of the cloth, people will gossip in this village."

He repeated again, in that same whisper but slightly more intense, "You will obey me!"

And I responded "It is clear that I have caught you in a bad mood, which is understandable considering the adjustment you must have gone through. I will bid you good day, and see you tomorrow."

As I stormed off from this boisterous vicar, I began to worry about the future of our village. If there is such a conflict between Parish Secretary and the Vicar, how can the village survive through such tension? Would fewer people attend the church, and more people end up wasting their lives following the runes and chicken feathers or whatever it is Olive Hawthorne uses in her services. And, tragedy upon tragedy that same night I found my pet terrier, Fergus, had somehow escaped the backyard on my home, and had vanished. I was feeling completely alone in the village.

I prayed vigorously about this all night, and my prayers were answered. That morning, at my doorstep I found a miniature doll of a terrier, looking identical to my own terrier Fergus. Someone had found out about my missing companion, and made a beautiful and incredibly lifelike figure of him. Somehow I knew it was the Reverend, seeking to make amends for our poor first introduction.

After dressing with haste, I raced to the vicarage and knocked on the front door again. I knocked a second time, as there appeared to be some chanting occurring in the nearby crypt that was getting fairly loud. Reverend Magister opened the door to see me with my minitature Fergus in my hands.

"Was it you?" I asked him. "Did you do this?"

The Reverend looked at me directly with eyes that showed true compassion for all of God's creatures, and said "Yes. And-"

Before I could let him speak further, my arms wrapped him in a tight embrace. Yes, I know that was foolish, and I should have been concerned what the village gossip would make of the Parish Secretary embracing the Vicar, but I had no concerns for the illicit thoughts of the busybodies. All I wanted was to return the feeling of human affection the Vicar had given me.

As I ended the embrace, and stepped away from Reverend Magister, who appeared quite stunned at my actions, I told him "All is forgiven. Whatever happens in future, Reverend, you have a friend an ally in the village in me. All I want to know is how you were able to find such a perfect replica of Fergus so quickly?"

The Reverend gave a slight smile, and a chuckle, before telling me "I work in mysterious ways, and have many skills beyond what you would understand."  
And at that point I knew, without a doubt, this was the perfect vicar for the village. And time has only made my beliefs even stronger. So, I apologise for our poor first meeting, Reverend Magister, and thank you for what you have brought to this village so far, and for all the great achievements you will bring to this village in the future.

 **Announcements**  
The Parish is mourning the loss of parishioner "Old" Jim Castell, who recently passed away due to a sudden heart attack. We send our thoughts and prayers to his widow, and their two children.

We are also mourning the loss of Mr. Halcomb, Mrs Midenhall, and Mr. Scorry who also have died of heart attacks in the past month. Dr. Reeves would like to assure everyone these were all just normal heart attacks, not dying by fright no matter what that busy body Miss Hawthorne says.

Reverend Magister has received a letter from Canon Smallwood, who states he is very well after suddenly leaving the village due to poor health. He states he misses us very much, but will not be returning as he has decided to stay in his new location, and urges us all to not to try and find him.

Sadly the Women's Guild's planned supper at Mrs Grenville's has been delayed. Mr Grenville has advised the Parish that his wife has been called away to visit her ailing sister up north. He assures us she will be back very soon, and so a new date will be announced shortly. In a related note, I wish to join Mr Grenville in denouncing the horrible gossipers who have decided to make comment on the state of the Grenville's marriage.

Finally, the new Milkman will start deliveries on Sunday. Charlie the milk man had to suddenly leave his milk route to care for his ailing sister up North. We pray for her speedy recovery.

 **Upcoming Events**  
Reverend Magister's Men's group will be running again at the Church this Friday night. Reverend Magister described it as a way for men to get together, have a lovely bite to eat, and our lives and family, and how decadent ideas like liberalism, democracy and freedom are destroying our world, but a strong and powerful leader can still save it. The tone is relaxed and the conversation can range from light-hearted to lively. Reverend Magister would also like to remind Tom Girton that it is his turn to supply the chicken. Contact Garvin for more details.

You've no doubt seen Professor Horner emerging from his archaeological dig underneath Devil's Hump, and wondered what on earth he is up to. I'm excited to say he is about to open the Hump, and on next Sunday a television crew from BBC3 will film him doing exactly that. Reverend Magister has suggested we do a little celebration for the television people, and has requested the Morris Dancing Troupe prepare some dances for the occasion. After meeting with the Reverend, Bert Walker has announced he will be welcoming new members to the Dancing Troupe, and is asking for any fit, strong men who are good with knots to get in touch with him at the Cloven Hoof.


	2. The Reverend Rites By Reverend Magister

**The Reverend Rites**  
By Reverend Magister

Well, firstly, I am aware of the misspelling above. Our dear Parish Secretary, Miss Skibblehorn, insisted that this column title has been a tradition for decades, and moreover insisted would be amusing to some in our parish. I'm not aware of how forgetting a letter would be amusing to any but the most ignorant and poor witted creatures not only of this village but any village in the entire Universe, but nevertheless I have chosen not to seek disagreement, and bide my time. For now.

This week, our Gospel reading is from the book of Matthew, Chapter 18, verses 12-14, the parable of the lost sheep. The Shepherd, who finds one sheep out of his flock of 100 missing, searches the wilderness for the one that is lost, and is considered a Good Shepherd. And rightfully so.

What is a sheep? It is an animal. It is not intelligent, not able to care for itself. It is raised to provide wool and meat and die. This may not be its choice for its life, but it would be foolish to expect an ignorant beast like a sheep to be responsible for its own life choices. The Shepherd knows what is best for the sheep, that it should remain penned in captivity with the flock where it can achieve its purpose, rather than it be lead astray and have no strong leader to guide it in the wilderness. Some may see an inferior animal like a sheep as needing to be free from the captivity, and they are fools. The strong, the intelligent, rule the weak and ignorant animals, such is the way of all things.

For if a lost sheep is left to wander, what would happen to it? Many of you will be thinking, perhaps a wolf will kill eat, or it will starve without the intervention of the kind Shepherd. And that is all true. But there is a greater risk not only to the lost sheep, but to the Shepherd himself. What if the lost sheep were to meet a rival Shepherd, one who has known the good Shepherd from old but whose philosophies put him against the good Shepherd time and time again. This rival Shepherd may be thinking the Sheep should be free to make its own destiny, not caring about the chaos that will bring about. With the assistance of this rival Shepherd, the lost sheep may be able to lead to the escape of many more sheep from the flock, and without warning, the Shepherd will be overthrown by an army of attack sheep! Even the best Shepherd could not hold off an aggressive army of 100 bleating, biting attack sheep.

But after this revolution, the sheep would be lost without the shepherd to guide them. Their existence will be pointless with no one to collect their wool and meat. By working with the rival Shepherd, the Sheep has destroyed all of the flock. Truly it would have been better for the Good Shepherd to destroy the lost sheep rather than let that fate doom the flock.

As Vicar of this Parish, I am your Shepherd. You are my flock. And I give you my solemn vow, that if any of you should become lost, I will spare no effort, no expense to find you and bring you back to the flock.

Before I close I would like to remind you all that Mrs Cheeseman has kindly donated some of her homemade chutneys and preserves in order to finance the Church's restoration. You should purchase these items to help restore the church. You will purchase these items to help restore the church. You will obey me, and purchase these items to restore the church.


End file.
